Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Feeling Sad.

Today I am feeling sad, I am feeling homesick and I am feeling exhausted.

All of this fun is finally catching up to me, it isn't easy being so far away from everything you are comfortable with. I feel really honored to be able to travel and explore like I have been doing, but I should note that there are times when I want nothing more but the comfort of a familiar place. That which is especially hard is the distance between my boyfriend Ryan and I. We always have a long distance relationship, but it is very difficult to stay connected while we are so far apart. I also feel distant from my parents, although I can talk to them easier (since they are just in the U.S) and I don't feel like i need that every day communication, but I do feel far away from them.

I had a scary realization today, that I am getting old, growing up... but I am not quite ready for it. I have been living far away from my family since I moved to college, only seeing each other occasionally, but it is all starting to catch up with me. As you most likely know, my dad is living in Arizona now, my mom in Minnesota and me in Pennsylvania (or Chile right now) Even if I were to move back to Minnesota, I still wouldn't be in the presence of both of my parents. Plus, I don't want to settle down in Minnesota. But I DO want to lead a life where I am very close with my parents.

It is also hard with friends, I feel as though the friendships I have and the friendships I am making are wonderful, but it is almost impossible to be forever lasting because they live all over the country. On the one hand, it is wonderful because I will have friends in every region of the country to visit.. but in terms of a day to day schedule.. I am ready for something settled, for something permanent. I am ready for a daily life that isn't always changing from Pennsylvania to Minnesota, or Arizona to Home, or the U.S to chile. I am looking for a family that is settled.. not having to travel just to see a loved one.. and even for being in a relationship where I don't have to travel a million miles just to see the person.

Everything is so temporary, and I don't think it will be permanent for a very long time. So what do I do? At this moment, the only thing that is permanent is my relationship with myself. I am always with me. I will always be there for myself, so that is the goal of right now. To develop a relationship with myself that is unbreakable, unbeatable... to have a strong internal force, to learn about myself and to grow!

I don't think there is any better place to do it than right here, in Chile, being challenged yet being supported. Ironically my angel card of the day was "resilience."

keep on fighting nessagirl!

cheers to working on strengthening our individual selves,


ps - feelings of sadness are normal, please don't judge.


Kimberly said...

hey Vanessa! I saw your blog on Facebook and thought I would stop by and say "hola" :) Chile looks amazing!

If it's any consolation, I went through the same feelings after being in Malaga for a similar period of time. In fact, if I could somehow manage it, I would be in 3 places (home, school, and Spain) at once...but of course that's impossible! So I know how you feel a little bit. Your own parents have probably mentioned this already, but talking to your host family and other people in your program helps a lot, because the odds are that 90% of them are in the same situation.

As far as growing up...I'm not ready either, but is anyone truly prepared? You are right that studying abroad is the perfect time to get to know yourself, and that will help when it comes to "the real world" after Dickinson...it sounds corny, but we all have to eventually make our own paths instead of following other people's. One thing I've learned though, is that things usually work themselves out! So try not to worry about it too much - one day at a time, right?

Anyways, feel free to stop by anytime...and enjoy the rest of your time in Chile! Trust me, it will go by a lot faster than you think.


Anonymous said...

Hi Vanessa,

Days like this can be very hard but you've got the right idea. Stay true to yourself and embrace just who Vanessa is and who she is becomming.

Does this sound familiar....
1. Do not build walls, for they are dangerous. Learn to transcend them
2.Live in the moment, for each one is precious and not to be squandered.
3.Take care of yourself, first and foremost.
4.Drop the ego. Be real. And watch what happens
5. All things are possible all of the time
6. Maintain Universal Flow. When someone gives, it is an act of generosity to receive. For in the giving, there is something gained.

Sending you peaceful, happy thoughts.

Anonymous said...

hi my love, just wanted to send you just a few of our happy memories to cheer you up...

- endless coloring on those cold wintery saturday nights
- our first night with bacardi razz :)
- witwer 307: dancing, baking, being cozy, karaoke, etc
- singing with you on the water rollercoaster at hershey park so you weren't scared
- endless target runs
- taking 30 minutes to pick out a movie by ranking our top choices, then not watching our final choice in the end
- easter at morgan's with egg hunts, yummy food, and bingo
- being inseparable last year... from roommates to syrens to dnu

sending you so much love from elsah, IL :)
xoxo, ashley

Anonymous said...

Vanessa, thanks for posting the "nice" picture of me and you and not the one with me in my snorkel gear! You have been down there two months now! I am sure that it isn't always easy being a gazillion miles away!!! Wish I could be there to go for a walk with you. I too miss the fact that there are sooo many miles between us. I am looking forward to the summer in Minnesota. Breakfast at the OPH, walks around the lake, hanging out in the back yard, and just the ability to be able to get together when ever we want too.

Miss you sweetie.

Skype me sometime!!


BonnieRose said...

Hey Vanessa,
I can relate to all you are sharing.. but I have tremendous faith in you gf.. I really do. I admire you so much for all that you are doing and experiencing.
Focus on you like u said, and just enjoy the moments. The little ones.. all those little moments that sometimes, we're just so busy to notice.
My girls are growing up so fast, and Sara is 16 already... she's almost done Grade 10. I too, wonder what the future will bring for all of us.
Right now, I live in ND. But it's not somewhere I wanna settle either.. I moved here to be closer to my kids right now, while they are finishing school and being teenagers. 3 hours away from them is a lot easier to handle than being 8 hours away from them every day.. you know?
I wonder what the future holds. Part of me wants to move somewhere south.. where there are no winters.. and yet, it would mean not seeing my kids as much as I do now. Am I ready for that? I don't know.
Our lives are always full of decisions. My prayer for you this day is that you continue to live in the moment, be grateful for all u've been given, and have faith that God is guiding your steps.
Meanwhile, know you have a friend here in Fargo ND.. miss ya, love bonnie

Anonymous said...

Hi Vanessa!

I just rediscovered your blog-card on my cork board, so I thought I'd check it out again. It made me so happy to hear your beautiful inspiring thoughts! Your strength and positive attitude is a huge inspiration to me and only makes me miss your presence that much more! I'm sad to hear you're homesick, but it's wonderful to hear you're taking advantage of every moment in Chile.

I can't wait to hear all the stories about your adventures!

All of the Syrens and I miss you dearly!
<3 Leigh

Ariel said...

Hey Vanessa, your words are so beautiful! I really admire your courage to speak to us about this so openly (and you are so right that being sad is definitely normal, we all have good and bad days...) continue to challenge yourself, and embrace the bad with the good, because that is how we learn about ourselves and our strengths, as it seems you are doing so naturally... i hope you don't mind me creeping on your blog :) i really enjoy reading it. we will have to get together in the fall and have coffee and share life experiences!