Today I am feeling sad, I am feeling homesick and I am feeling exhausted.
All of this fun is finally catching up to me, it isn't easy being so far away from everything you are comfortable with. I feel really honored to be able to travel and explore like I have been doing, but I should note that there are times when I want nothing more but the comfort of a familiar place. That which is especially hard is the distance between my boyfriend Ryan and I. We always have a long distance relationship, but it is very difficult to stay connected while we are so far apart. I also feel distant from my parents, although I can talk to them easier (since they are just in the U.S) and I don't feel like i need that every day communication, but I do feel far away from them.
I had a scary realization today, that I am getting old, growing up... but I am not quite ready for it. I have been living far away from my family since I moved to college, only seeing each other occasionally, but it is all starting to catch up with me. As you most likely know, my dad is living in Arizona now, my mom in Minnesota and me in Pennsylvania (or Chile right now) Even if I were to move back to Minnesota, I still wouldn't be in the presence of both of my parents. Plus, I don't want to settle down in Minnesota. But I DO want to lead a life where I am very close with my parents.
It is also hard with friends, I feel as though the friendships I have and the friendships I am making are wonderful, but it is almost impossible to be forever lasting because they live all over the country. On the one hand, it is wonderful because I will have friends in every region of the country to visit.. but in terms of a day to day schedule.. I am ready for something settled, for something permanent. I am ready for a daily life that isn't always changing from Pennsylvania to Minnesota, or Arizona to Home, or the U.S to chile. I am looking for a family that is settled.. not having to travel just to see a loved one.. and even for being in a relationship where I don't have to travel a million miles just to see the person.
Everything is so temporary, and I don't think it will be permanent for a very long time. So what do I do? At this moment, the only thing that is permanent is my relationship with myself. I am always with me. I will always be there for myself, so that is the goal of right now. To develop a relationship with myself that is unbreakable, unbeatable... to have a strong internal force, to learn about myself and to grow!
I don't think there is any better place to do it than right here, in Chile, being challenged yet being supported. Ironically my angel card of the day was "resilience."
keep on fighting nessagirl!
cheers to working on strengthening our individual selves,
ps - feelings of sadness are normal, please don't judge.